Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The hardest part about having your rainbow baby

This is something I think about a lot: if Ellie was here, Leo wouldn't be.  Sometimes I feel like loving Leo so much means I don't love Ellie enough.  Sometimes I feel like missing Ellie so much means I don't love Leo enough. It's like mommy guilt squared.

I've heard a family member repeatedly remark that she miscarried a baby because her next child was destined to do great things.  Even though it's not directed at me, it feels like a slap in the Leo was somehow more worthy to get a chance at life than Ellie was.  I think how the next baby's life works out is how God brings good out of even the worst circumstance, and not that He took the previous baby out of the equation in order for the next baby to enter the world.  I would never pretend to know why God allows what happens to happen, but I'd like to think He didn't deem my precious Eliana less important than her brothers & decide that the world didn't need her contributions. She is certainly equally loved and important to our family. 

I remember a dear friend sharing the story of the miscarriage she had a month before she conceived her son. She said she knew she wouldn't have had her precious boy if this baby had survived, but that didn't make her feel any better.  That is exactly how I feel.  I love Ellie every bit as much as Moose & Leo.  Leo fills our lives with so much joy, but he doesn't negate the pain of Eliana's loss.  Knowing that I wouldn't have him if Ellie was still here doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel guilty.  I feel like explaining her loss away like that dishonors her memory.  There will always be a hole in my heart for Ellie. God has blessed me with a beautiful baby boy, not to replace her or one-up her. He is his own blessing and I am working to get the Ellie vs Leo guilt out of my head.

I wonder if other baby loss moms struggle with these thoughts?