The hardest part about having your rainbow baby

This is something I think about a lot: if Ellie was here, Leo wouldn't be.  Sometimes I feel like loving Leo so much means I don't love Ellie enough.  Sometimes I feel like missing Ellie so much means I don't love Leo enough. It's like mommy guilt squared.

I've heard a family member repeatedly remark that she miscarried a baby because her next child was destined to do great things.  Even though it's not directed at me, it feels like a slap in the face...like Leo was somehow more worthy to get a chance at life than Ellie was.  I think how the next baby's life works out is how God brings good out of even the worst circumstance, and not that He took the previous baby out of the equation in order for the next baby to enter the world.  I would never pretend to know why God allows what happens to happen, but I'd like to think He didn't deem my precious Eliana less important than her brothers & decide that the world didn't need her contributions. She is certainly equally loved and important to our family. 

I remember a dear friend sharing the story of the miscarriage she had a month before she conceived her son. She said she knew she wouldn't have had her precious boy if this baby had survived, but that didn't make her feel any better.  That is exactly how I feel.  I love Ellie every bit as much as Moose & Leo.  Leo fills our lives with so much joy, but he doesn't negate the pain of Eliana's loss.  Knowing that I wouldn't have him if Ellie was still here doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel guilty.  I feel like explaining her loss away like that dishonors her memory.  There will always be a hole in my heart for Ellie. God has blessed me with a beautiful baby boy, not to replace her or one-up her. He is his own blessing and I am working to get the Ellie vs Leo guilt out of my head.

I wonder if other baby loss moms struggle with these thoughts?

I never post, and now I'm posting twice in one day! Got some yummy recipes here...

I have a cookie swap to go to next weekend, and I could not wait for an excuse to make these again!  When I was overdue with my youngest, I made "break your water cookies"...they don't really break your water, but they are delicious!  I made some modifications to the recipe to use it as a Christmas cookie.  Here it is:

Ginger Spice Cookies (get it? like the Spice Girls)
2 1/2 c. flour
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp ground ginger
1/2 tsp ground cloves
1/2 tsp salt
8 tbs. butter
1/2 c. sugar
1 c. brown sugar
1/3 c. molasses
1 egg
1/4 c. vegetable oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Combine flour, baking soda, salt and spices and set aside.
Cream the butter and sugars together.
Add the molasses to the creamed butter, then add the egg & vegetable oil until combined.
Add the dry ingredients slowly.
Once incorporated, roll dough into 1 inch balls and place onto baking tray.
Bake 8-10 minutes.

Then I had some Trader Joe's gluten free pancake mix in the house & thought "Hmm, I'm feeling creative, maybe I'll use that to make gluten free cookies!"

DISCLAIMER: these don't include wheat flour, but I don't know if the other ingredients are 100% gluten free.  If you wanted to make them for someone with a gluten allergy, I'd make super sure all your ingredients were gluten free.

The first ones are like dark chocolate in cookie form.  Absolutely delicious & SUPER chocolatey.  A real baker would probably tell me they're all wrong, they fall apart, they don't grow when they're cooking, (is that just the nature of gluten free baking?) but they are delicious!  They're not very sweet, but that's why I like them...like I said, they taste like dark chocolate.  So here's the recipe:

Gluten Free Fudge Balls:

2 c. Trader Joe's gluten free pancake mix
1 c. cocoa powder
1 c. brown sugar
1 stick butter
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 c. vegetable oil
Optional: powdered sugar to dust on top

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Mix pancake mix and cocoa and set aside.
Cream together butter and sugar.
Add egg, vanilla, and vegetable oil until well blended.
Blend in dry ingredients.
Roll into 1 inch balls and place on baking sheet.
Bake 8-10 minutes.
Let cool & dust with powdered sugar if desired.


These next ones are super tasty, but not technically gluten free since (as I just learned) oatmeal is often cross-contaminated with wheat & other gluten containing grains.

Oatmeal Spice Cookies

1 1/2 c. Trader Joe's gluten free pancake mix
1 c. Trader Joe's steel cut oats
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. brown sugar
1 stick butter
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp garamasala
Optional: powdered sugar to dust on top

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Mix pancake mix, oats, and spices and set aside.
Cream together butter and sugars.
Add egg and vanilla until well blended.
Blend in dry ingredients.
Roll into 1 inch balls and place on baking sheet.
Bake 8-10 minutes.
Let cool.

In Memory of Ellie

I realize I never update this blog anymore, and I probably have no readers left.  But I wanted to share something that has been a really big break through for me, and I hope others will share it with their friends, particularly if you know anyone who has lost a baby.

Monday morning I spent the morning crying over this box:

 

Last year it was this box:

That's the 177 oz of milk I pumped & donated to the Mother's Milk Bank of Ohio.  My beautiful daughter, Eliana Marie, was stillborn last summer.  I was in labor for only 3 hours, she was perfectly healthy, and then just as she was crowning, her heartbeat just stopped.  It turns out there was some unknown infection in my placenta.  I had no symptoms and she had a strong heartbeat & was measuring normally all through my pregnancy. 

This is her scrapbook page that is kept at the milk bank.

I have always felt like I haven't done enough in my daughter's memory, that I haven't found what it is I need to do so other people will know her, so they will recognize that I am in fact a mother of 3, that my daughter is still a very real part of my family.  I am blessed to have true friends who still mention Ellie & remember her with me, but I still always had this feeling I wasn't doing enough.  I know people who have started foundations in their child's name.  It makes me feel like I am doing nothing for my daughter.

Truth is, I am obsessed with keeping her memory alive.  I have spent so much time, and possibly more money than I should on keeping her memory alive. Actually, some of it was purchased with a very generous gift card from a wonderful group of friends who got together and gave us a bunch of wonderful gifts, including a bench that was dedicated to her at our church, which we used in our Christmas card this year.

 (It was actually my mom's idea...it was on her Christmas card first!)

I had some jewelry made from myforeverchild.com.  The woman who runs it lost a baby herself, and makes the most beautiful custom mother's jewelry, with many items specifically for those of us who've suffered the loss of a child. 

 The bracelet includes a locket with some of Ellie's hair in it, so I have her with me wherever I go.  I recently purchased the little swarovski crystals with all my babies' birth stones to go on the necklace. 

Every year, we add a decoration (or twenty!) for Ellie to the Christmas tree.  It makes me feel better to make things for her.  Friends have purchased ornaments for us too.  The butterfly at the bottom is from my wonderful friend Stacy, who, probably more than anyone, regularly mentions Ellie & includes her some way in gifts she gives us.  The crystal "e" was made by my friend Sese, with crystals from her wedding veil.  My son made the 2 gingerbread men at a Christmas party- one for him & one for his new baby brother, so I made one for Ellie.  I'm now working on some simple ornaments with each child's name & birthdate.

So finally this week, almost a year and a half later, I realized what it is I needed to do for my daughter, and that I've been doing it all along.  It started with this little bear.  My mom runs a charity knitting group, and they did a project for a new veteran's shelter that just opened near them.  (You can read about it here). One of the ladies there is pregnant, and my mom asked if I'd knit one of my little stuffed animals for her baby shower.  (which you can read about here).  I had to send it late, so it wouldn't ruin the surprise of the shower.  My mom called and told me it turned out she was having a girl, so I thought I'd also send the blanket I made when I was pregnant with my youngest son, before I knew he was a boy.  But then I thought, I have so many special items I made for my daughter, and I have been waiting for just the right thing to do with them.  I felt God was telling me that this lady & her baby were the perfect recipients for the clothing I had lovingly made for my baby girl.  I pulled the bins of my daughter's clothes out from under the bed, and with tears pouring out of my eyes, I started pulling out the handmade items, and then I thought "heck, why not give her everything that will fit in the box?"  So I filled it with onesies & dresses & outfits I'd collected over the course of my pregnancy, as well as these things I'd handmade:

This was the first (successful) sweater I ever knitted (the leg warmers got lost in the shuffle, so unfortunately they didn't get sent with the sweater)

 

This little set was made with leftover yarn my mom gave me when I first became a knitting junkie. It was JUST enough to make this little shrug & bonnet.

The blanket (which I don't have a picture of) matches the little vest on the right, and the vest on the left was made out of the left over from the first sweater.  There are matching booties as well (also not photographed- I was really eager to send this stuff out- even though I had to wait for my little guy to wake up before I could go to the post office).

I sat on the couch hugging the box crying, and trying to pray through my tears that the woman receiving the box would be blessed by it, and understand how much it meant to me to be able share my daughter's things with her.  These weren't just clothes, they were the hopes & dreams I had for my baby girl. There was love poured into every stitch of every item.  I couldn't even find the words to pray that prayer, I just sobbed and said "God, you know what I'm trying to say".  

So I realized that my way of remembering my baby is to take what I would have given her, and use it to make other people's lives better.  Even every hand knit gift I make keeps her memory alive.  It was during my pregnancy with her that I learned to really knit, not just scarves & blankets, but sweaters, bonnets, lace even. I may not have a foundation that can change tons of people's lives, but one person at a time, people will hear Eliana's story, and I pray they are being blessed because of her.  Nothing will ever bring Ellie back, but this makes me feel a whole lot better.  And maybe some other mom who feels like she can't do enough to honor her baby's memory will read this and realize she is honoring her baby in her own way, and that is all she needs to do.

Eliana Marie Collins 7.28.2010

Yarn & Kool Aid...

Moose & I had no plans yesterday, so we decided to try hand dying yarn with kool aid. It was so fun & so easy! (and messy!) We bought some 100% wool yarn (paton's wool, and stitch nation's "full o' sheep") and every kool aid flavor the grocery store had- actually we went to 2 grocery stores because the first one didn't have any flavors that weren't pink or purple.

I started, but Moose took over so this one became his skein...


...I wanted to see how it would come out striping it one way or the other:


This was AFTER washing our hands:

(Moose didn't actually handle the yarn, just the brush, so his aren't so bad)

here's Moose's skein, fresh out of the microwave:

Here's the striped one I worked on:

and this one I striped in the other direction:

All of our yarn drying:

The finished product!

We found these instructions on knitty.com, they even had a color chart...too bad we couldn't find half the colors they showed. I will be on a kool aid search from now til Christmas- undyed yarn is on my Christmas list!

another finished pattern soon to be listed...

my son picked out the buttons himself & asked me to make him a sweater to go with them...

Another Knitting Pattern listed on Etsy & Ravelry

I just listed the pattern for this sweater & hat set on Etsy (fashiondeeva.etsy.com) & Ravelry (ravelry links are on the blog's sidebar):



and these slippers were added a little while back:

I'm currently working on a ruffle sleeved shrug to go with my baby's Easter dress, so that will be listed soon too!

My first knitting pattern up for sale!

My very first knitting pattern is up for sale! I designed this for my new baby (who will be here soon!) it's available in my etsy shop- fashiondeeva.etsy.com as well as on ravelry.com- just search garter ridge baby shrug.

oh, and i'm integrating all my blogs now, this isn't just scrapping anymore...just whatever i'm working on. here's baby girl's wardrobe that i made/designed...some of the sweater patterns i found online, but the dresses are my designs...

the sweater is an adaptation of Lucia Tedesco's baby girl sweater (can be found on ravelry) and i made the hat to match. I'll be listing the pattern for the booties soon.

this is a simplified version of the "boheme" sweater found on ravelry. i didn't do the lace pattern, and i added a garter stitch button band to keep it from curling.

this sweater is from knittingonthenet.com and the legwarmers are from ravelry.